Suzanne Says

Question: My mother needs therapy but does not know it. It weighs on me that she is so emotionally needy and does not know how to take care of those needs. It pushes me away, yet I still feel responsible for her. What do you suggest I do?

Answer: My first question is, "Are you in therapy?" If not, it would be a good idea to start. You can work through the issues that are causing your dysfunction faster when you have the support and guidance of a trained person. Also, some people benefit from a group such as a codepency 12-step group. These groups use the 12-step model of Alcoholics Anonymous to help people who are codependent in their relationships.

If you are already in therapy, consider bringing your mother in for a couple of sessions. Rely on the support of your therapist to help you talk to your mother about your issues. This positive approach might also help your mother to see that she would benefit from some individual sessions for herself.

The best case scenario is that your mother understands and accepts help for her own problems and begins therapy for her own issues, such as not knowing how to get her emotional needs met in appropriate ways. The worst case scenario is that she will say no and you will have to work on your issues of individuating from her alone. If this turns out to be the case, expect some resistance from your mother. She will not understand or like your changes and may even try to sabotage your healing. It will be important for you to share with your mother some of your issues and to make her aware that changes are in store with or without her support.