Suzanne Says

I have a question about my relationship with my live-in partner. I wonder if it is in any way connected with the answer you gave in another issue of your newsletter regarding baby Sophia's soul "needing a little more comfort than most" to sleep. I feel like my partner needs an inordinate amount of comfort from me.

I am struggling with his need to feel close to me. He says he feels excluded from a lot of my life. He is now retired and I am working part time. He is shy and retiring while I love people. I like time alone, mixed together with time with him and/or others. He enjoys being just with me or with the TV (and me). I don't find watching TV particularly interesting. I enjoy being together with him but not exclusively as I feel like he is trying to make me do. This (the part written in bold) is where I think the problem for us/me lies.

Perhaps the more I try to distance myself from him so I don't feel suffocated, the more I experience a feeling that he is trying to cling onto me...?? I do value my partner’s opinion and try to respect his feelings. Most of all, I believe that "each (partner in a relationship) has the pieces the other is missing" however I don't understand what it is that I need to learn in this instance.

I don't know what I can/should DO differently to help contribute to my/our relationship in a positive way. It seems that my current approach is missing the mark as neither of us is satisfied.

I'd really value your opinion on this matter as always.

ANSWER: You have a lot of insights and I would like to confirm what I see that is healthy in yourself. I see you as well rounded in liking alone time, relationship time and time doing other things, including being with friends. If he is balancing you out, it may be to include more down time and relationship time which TV can symbolize, of course there are other things you could do also.

I do not have the same advice for dealing with your partner as I do for your infant granddaughter. He is a grown man and it is not appropriate to treat him the same way. He would benefit from looking at how he is living in a closed universe, wanting to get his child dependency needs met only from you. Relationships do help us get dependency needs met; however, the relationship could not possibly correct the lack of nurturing from infancy and childhood. One will be continually unhappy if they expect a partner to meet all their needs. Even if it were possible to meet all his needs, it would actually keep him from growing and evolving. There is no way around one needing to do inner work for the healing of unresolved issues in childhood.

It sounds like you could be modeling to him what he needs for a more rounded life. If you could help him see he is limiting his life by only wanting one person to fulfill his needs that would be a start in easing some of the tension in the relationship. If he creates outside interests and friendships he will not miss you or be as codependent with you. Of course, I understand this would be very sensitive for him to look at his wounding and new choices. In the long run to change, he has to see the value in expanding his own horizons.

Remember to take care of yourself and to not be pressured into going backward into dysfunctional patterns. If your partner does not want to work on these issues, you at least need to know what is healthy in your personality and to continue working on your self-discovery and healing.