Suzanne Says

Question: I have a major issue with my daughter that is making me crazy-it involves her dog, Monkey. When she went back to graduate school, I was not honest with her about not wanting to keep her dog. I did take Monkey and it was just a few days before I knew I had made a mistake. My neighbors love this dog, so I gave the dog to them. I finally told my daughter. She replied, "Trust between us is seriously damaged-and over many things not just this." She then went on to say, "Why don't you just do things differently since you have been working on yourself for so long?" We are emailing each other a lot over this.

I have done a few counseling sessions over this and I know this is a major issue for me. Two of my biggest issues have always been trust and honesty. And here I have done this to my daughter. I am in so much pain over this, and as always I fear my daughter will cut off our relationship. My fear, I know, only digs the pit deeper for me. I know this must be part of my shadow side, but I cannot see it. I do know as a little girl when I would try to talk to my mother, who was never available, she would look stern at me or yell at me for expressing my thoughts and feelings. Then I remember my dad drinking every night and being very passive and unavailable too. I feel very lost and abandoned and such a big failure! Please help me process this and tell me what you see.

Love, Leanne

Answer: It is helpful to see the shadow as simply unconscious parts of ourselves. Yes, you have worked on yourself a long time; however these deep core issues still have elements of unconsciousness. I bet you would do it differently, if you could see what is going on.

I see that you learned as a child it was shameful to bring up your real concerns. This level of shame is toxic. As a child you interpreted, not that you made a mistake every time you tried to talk to your mom, but that you were a mistake. You also had this reinforced from your father, as he numbed his toxic shame by escaping through alcohol. It is no wonder you, to this day, do not tell the truth to another if they are going to be disappointed, judgmental, or upset with you.

I see you struggling with issues of integrity, not having congruency on the outside of you with what you are feeling and thinking on the inside of you. To live from a place of integrity and being honest with others, you first must be honest with yourself and tell yourself the truth about what you are thinking and feeling. In this scenario you were not honest with yourself that you did not want to watch the dog. Next, you need to take risks, especially with loved ones, to tell the truth, no matter how much another person gets angry, hurt, or rejects you. Remind yourself that you are an adult now and able to make choices that are different from those you made as a child in order to survive in your family. You needed those parents to take care of you, so you had to follow their rules and level of integrity.

It is important to recognize the limiting beliefs that stop you from taking risks. Your fear of rejection kept you from telling your daughter the truth that Monkey was not working out and you convinced yourself that she would never talk to you again if you told her you wanted to give the dog away. This irrational belief needs to be updated. Even if your daughter does pull away from you because she is disappointed, hurt, or angry, she is not your mother and you are not a child.

In reality, I see your daughter must have a deep level of trust with you. How wonderful she feels safe enough to tell you the truth about what she is thinking and feeling. She is the perfect person for you to take risks with as you learn to tell the truth, because she understands integrity. She feels her feelings and knows she must express herself. The emailing is a great way to express yourself at this time.