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An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl. The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing. What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from. It was a rare antique worth thousands. He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.
"He's not for sale," says the store owner.
"That's ridiculous!" says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."
The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks, "For that price I'm sure you won't mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it."
The store owner says "No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was
by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?"
One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day but when he arrived at the boy's house there was no donkey. He told the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for his money back.
"I'm afraid I have already spent the money." the farmer said.
"Well, then just give me the donkey." said the boy.
"What are you going to do with a dead donkey?" asked the farmer. The boy told the farmer he would think of something, so the farmer delivered the donkey the next day.
The next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the donkey.
"I made $895.00 off of that thing." the boy said.
"How could you make that much money off of a dead donkey?" the farmer wanted to know.
The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone he was dead at first. I just put up signs around town that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful donkey for raffle tickets that cost $5.00 and I sold 200 tickets."
"Wait a minute", said the farmer, "you said you made $895.00 but if you sold 200 tickets at $5.00 each that's $1,000.00. After you subtract the $100.00 you paid me you should have made $900.00".
"You're right", said the boy.
"But when the winner found out the donkey was dead he was a little upset so I gave him his money back."
Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we
just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red
again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they
went right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did
you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed
us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
(With thanks to www.bestcleanjokes.com)
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