When the Truth Isn’t Quite Enough!

Relationships are on my path of self-discovery. I have learned so much over the years and hope that by sharing a little of my journey, it may be helpful to some of you.

Having been divorced for over fifteen years, I have experienced many different kinds of relationships. Some moved extremely fast from start to finish and others were based on sex, primarily. Obviously they didn’t work out. I have been on the planet for over fifty years and I am still trying to get it right, whatever that means.

With my last relationship, I made a conscious decision to do it differently from those that preceded it. The decision was to be as HONEST, as honest as I could possibly be with this woman.

I had been aware of her for about two years before we ever met. My daughter told me that we should meet, because we would be perfect for one another. Finally, a chance meeting at a Halloween party last year brought us together in the same place. We chatted that evening and seemed to get on rather well. A week later at an art opening, I had an opportunity to ask her out for coffee. She accepted. We actually had dinner for the first date and that too, went quite well.

We were able to cover some important first steps in building a relationship. One was to go slowly in that building process. From the beginning, we both agreed that the relationship would be one that might not result in marriage, but should be a close, committed relationship for the course of our time together, built on honesty and respect. That all sounded very well to me and I was most willing to sign up for the adventure.

Over the next several months we saw one another frequently and the relationship began to blossom into something that appeared to have permanence and I began to feel comfortable about the future with this individual. She attended a workshop for ten days to work on some of her "issues," the main one, she shared with me before leaving, was "men." Up to this point, I felt that I had kept my side of the street pretty clean in dealing with the relationship and that I was not the primary reason for her "male issues."

When she returned from the workshop, things seemed to be a bit disconnected between us and then she invited me to dinner at her house so that we could have a "talk." During dinner she shared with me that she had come to a decision about what she honestly wanted from a relationship. She found that she really did want to get married, sell her house and move some place in the dessert. Because of recent changes in my life, I had just bought some property and was in the process of constructing a new building and starting a new art gallery operation, I felt that I had no option but to opt out of the relationship at that time.

Frankly, it came as something of a shock and surprise to me, but how was I to argue with what seemed to be a genuine desire for this woman. I wished her well and left, still in shock.

That is the short and for fear of boring the reader, sketchy background of this relationship. When I look back on the way I dealt with this relationship, I find that I was able to maintain a level of honesty that had always eluded me in the past. Some might say it is a function of age, but I would suggest that it was because of my conscious choice. You see, I came from a background that taught me to "have everyone like me" and "be a people pleaser." When I realized that the whole world was not going to love me, my life began to change. The reality was that some people simply would not like me, no matter what I did. Not that this woman’s choice was about liking or not liking me, it was about HER, not ME! As we all feel from time-to-time, "it was something that I did that causes this or that to happen this way…" When I think about it beyond the obvious rejection, the truth of the situation begins to emerge. We do not have to become victims when things don’t go the way we expect.

There is a part of me that wants to make this woman wrong about her decision and blame her for coming to that conclusion after all the energy that I put into the relationship. Well, guess what – people do have the ability and the right to change their minds about anything, especially something as important as a relationship between a man and a woman.

Throughout my life I kept looking for that special someone who I felt would "make me happy." Finally, I got it and was able to put into practice the truth. If we look outside of ourselves for happiness, we may never find it or will be disappointed by what we do find. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true. While I was disappointed about the relationship having ended, I am proud of my inner strength for not having played the "game" like I had in the past. It was clean and I didn’t have anything to feel guilty about or for which to apologize.

Our lives had just changed over a three-month period and she was honest enough to say out loud what she wanted. In my world, that was not something that I could give her and we both were able to acknowledge that and move on with our separate lives.

Today, I like who I am and I can honor that part of me, while continuing to look for someone to share my life. Notice that I said "share" my life. I want that very much and do not want someone to "be" my life. In the past I found that to be the easier path, but also the most destructive. While all parts of my life are not "simply wonderful," at least they are based in reality and I have learned to take responsibility for all parts of my life. To blame is "childish." Those days need to be put aside and the richness and fullness of my life will naturally come forth, as long as I continue to focus and work on myself in relation to others outside of me and follow my creative life path.

I am a painter and graphic designer. In my work, I find that when I don’t like the way something is turning out, I can change the outcome by putting forth a bit more energy, a different prospective, or a different brush stroke, all of which will alter the outcome. The same can occur in my interpersonal relationships. Where I find I can do the most meaningful work is in the relationship between myself and my Higher Power. Then and only then can I carry that success into the world at large.

May those of you thrown into the world of dating at an older age gain something of value from my experiences.