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The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter... 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind......but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run!'
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...
...You either married it or gave birth to it.
Dear Mom,
$chool is really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can just $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
$u$an
P.$. Thank$ for $ending the $weater.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Susan,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Thanks for your NOte!!
- How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.
- Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
- How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
- Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
- How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
- The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.
- Locations of public restrooms all across town.
- Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
- That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
- The amazing technicolor variety of infant stool.
- How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
- The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.
- That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
- How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
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