Suzanne Says

Question: Hi Suzanne: I want to start by saying that your last Suzanne Says where you discussed why people lie spoke to me about abusive people also. (Read Last Months Suzanne Says). Thank you for the comments.

I was listening to your self esteem tape last eve and am puzzled about your comment on unconditional love. You say "....sometimes saying no can be the most loving thing you can do."

I had always understood that to love someone unconditionally meant that you loved them no matter what their behavior. It was with this understanding that I entered my last relationship with a man, but the result of this was that I became the victim of domestic violence. I've had to reassess my contribution to the abuse.

Can you please explain your definition of 'unconditional love' in more detail so I can try to understand how 'saying no' is a part of it?

Answer: Dear Faith: In a nutshell, unconditional love is an intention, a decision, a mental construct. It is about accepting each and everyone the way they are and where each is on their journey through life. Acceptance and love for others has nothing to do with what you accept and tolerate in your day-to-day personal life. It does not dictate who you live with or have as friends either. You may love someone unconditionally, yet not like them or trust them enough to let them become close to you. There are only a handful of people who are a good match with you as a potential good friend or partner. It is okay to say no to some experiences and people.

You are creating your life moment to moment based on such things as your beliefs, your fears, your values, how much you love and respect yourself, and what your aspirations are. You always have free-will choice to set limits and determine what is right for you and how you wish to experience life. In fact, not setting healthy physical and emotional limits it not honoring and loving yourself. As you practice unconditional love and acceptance of yourself, you automatically do what is right for yourself. As you make choices that are right for yourself, it is only natural to say yes to some people and experiences and no to others.

Unconditional love does not dictate acceptance of abusive behavior. People stay in unhealthy situations until they grow in awareness and learn the lessons presented. We only match up with people with whom we share something in common and those who have similar issues to work out. You may have something in common with an abusive person for a while, that is until you learn to set healthy limits and to love and respect yourself. At this point, you can move beyond the lessons of the abusive experience either by leaving or transforming the relationship. Of course, it takes two people to transform a relationship.

You did not know in the beginning that your relationship would turn destructive. It took a while to figure out whether or not your partner wanted to heal the abusive patterns as you did. Once you learned your partner did not want something better, you moved on. I acknowledge you for this.

You can still love and accept your former partner without ever needing to talk to or see him again. Your acceptance includes understanding his pain and suffering, his fears, and his resistances. The important thing is you have grown and become wiser from these experiences. It is perfectly okay to practice unconditional love and at the same time set healthy limits for yourself.