Suzanne Says

Question: My name is Wamaitha: I have enjoyed and benefited greatly from the Innerwords Messager. When I first come across the publication I was drawn to its teaching and advice on independence. This is probably because that is what I was looking for as a career woman in a marriage. I would still want to read more on this if it is available. I want to know how to find self-worth in a life taken up by my children (3), a husband and a career that I am good at and would like to advance to the best of my abilities.

Answer: This is a very good question and I can certainly identify with you as I had three children, a husband with a high powered job, my own career, and a yearning to self-actualize at the same time. My 30's were a difficult time because I tried to have it all. Something has to give with the high demands of this kind of lifestyle. I must admit that at times I did not get my needs for independence met. I did, however, set the stage for a wonderful future, however. I am close to my grown children and have the free time for self-development, following my hobbies, and as much independence as I choose.

Now I will address your question. You have to make choices on whose needs get met in a dynamic, self-actualizing family. Sometimes you chose your own needs, but many times other individual family members come first, especially young children. I do not know if you have outside help with the children and housework. If you can afford it, this may give you some alone time for your interests. If the marriage started out traditionally with you being the homemaker and caregiver, it may be time to renegotiate and even get professional guidance to make changes. A strong marriage that grows and changes with the demands of growth makes it easier for each partner to help the other get time-off.

I used to get up extra early to drink a cup of coffee with my husband and then have a half an hour to think, ponder, and meditate about myself and my life before I got the children up. Sleep is sacrificed here, which may or may not be your choice. My situation is not the same as yours, but I can feel how stressful it is to find inner time and the independence to take care of your own needs at this stage of your life. I encourage you to stay with it: keep reading, communicating with your partner, helping your children and your partner grow in their independence. All this aids your own independence