Question: Your answer to last month’s question has me thinking about my relationship. I also have a defensive partner who gets very controlling if I disagree with him. He does not physically threaten me these days, even verbally not so much (possibly because I have a more 'mature' approach to matters).

I am interested, though, how you distinguished between rage and anger. You said last time, "Rage does not respond to rational communication as anger does."  I would have to say my partner has a lot of anger and it comes out as a 'temper tantrum.’ When he is angry he still doesn't respond to reason.  Also there have been and still are, a number discussions between us in which my partner gets 'angry' (I wouldn't say raging) and issues are not resolved for him because he cannot 'understand' (hear) my point of view. It's like he's convinced that I am out to 'get' him and he can't open his mind to otherwise (even though my request would appear perfectly 'reasonable' to 95% of the general population). He makes up things in his mind that no amount of clean, reasoned discussion seems to change. How do I get him to understand otherwise?

Answer:  I heard a speaker once say to communicate with someone who is emotionally reactive and angry use the "three blast method." When the partner begins their angry words, this is the first blast and it is usually heated and emotional. You wait for them to pause then say, "Tell me more." The second blast is a little less heated. When they slow down and pause, you say, "Is that all, are you sure you told me everything?" Now the third blast is much slower and the person is not as emotional. The key here is you have to keep quiet and listen and not get defensive. This is where you can begin a more rational conversation.

I would like to add here that there is no way you can change your partner’s thinking and belief system; that is his job. He, on the other hand, will change over time as he sees you not responding like people did in the past. For example, you are still there in the relationship even when he gets angry. I bet secretly he is observing you, sincerely hoping he is wrong and that you truly are not out to get him.