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Bubba and Ray (Arkansas
mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're
supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba,
"but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket,
took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six
inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a
blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
--> I feel like my body has gotten totally
out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness
club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class
for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
--> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old
woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being
104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
--> The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--> Just before the funeral services, the
undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she
replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're
96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly
worth going home, is it?
--> I've sure gotten old. I've had two
bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends. But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's
license.
--> A 97-year-old man goes into his
doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive
lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're
97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"
--> An elderly woman decided to prepare
her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be
sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
--> Any woman can have the body of a
21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
--> My memory's not as sharp as it used to
be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--> Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat
till the wrinkles fill out.
--> I've still got it, but nobody wants to
see it.
--> I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on
purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--> It's scary when you start making the
same noises as your coffeemaker.
--> The good news is that even as we get
older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have
to squat down first.
--> These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--> I've tried to find a suitable exercise
video for women my age, but they haven't made one called
"Buns of Putty."
--> Don't think of it as getting hot
flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--> Don't let aging get you down. It's too
hard to get back up.
--> Remember: You don't stop laughing
because you grow old,You grow old because you stop laughing.
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
(Back)
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