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Send your questions to Suzanne@InnerworksPublishing.com
QUESTION:
Suzanne: My
wife of 21 years has recently started an inner journey. I have
noticed lately that her affection towards me has dwindled down
to nearly non-existant. I've asked her about and she assures me
that I have nothing to worry about and sometimes I feel fine
with things, but more and more I feel she is and has grown away
from me. I've tried to encourage her to look inward, but now it
is getting harder and harder as I feel left behind and not part
of her inner growth. I'm sure you have some insights into this
and can enlighten my unfamiliar feelings.
Thanks for any help you can offer,
Jerry
ANSWER:
Hi Jerry: Thank you for writing. This is a very important
question that affects a lot of couples that have been married
for a while. Each couple is different; so I will talk in general
terms. It is common
for one partner to delve into understanding themselves and their
relationship, choices one has made and the results currently
experienced, to explore patterns repeated from the family of
origin, discover one’s creativity, what makes one happy, etc.
Sometimes this partner needs some space to explore themselves,
their past, and look at unresolved issues within the
relationship. Reading self-help books, going to counseling and
workshops, and journal writing are activities that take one away
from the partner. If more serious issues are coming up for your
partner such as childhood abuse or incest then you have to
understand you may not be able to help her, except by listening
and encouraging her to heal.
The partner not exploring can feel threatened
and insecure as the other one pulls away emotionally and spends
more time alone. The relationship as it was is changing and not
knowing exactly what to expect is difficult.
Here are some possible suggestions for you.
-
Look at your
own issues, do your own inner work, read, journal write,
ponder your own life and where you want it to go.
-
Let your wife
know that her new interest in self-awareness and inner
healing is affecting you and you need some connection time
so you do not feel left out.
-
Set time aside,
maybe once a week to share what you both are learning about
yourselves.
-
Read each other’s
books, go to therapy together and separately.
-
Explore new
ways to be together, such as attending a workshop or
lecture.
-
Have fun with
your partner, go out to dinner or movie once a week, take
dance lessons.
-
Take a marriage
encounter weekend workshop, join a couples group.
-
Join a men’s
group so you have other people with whom to share your
process.
-
Write your wife
letters expressing your feelings and concerns.
-
Find couples
going through the same process and socialize with them.
Good luck in growing and changing.
Suzanne
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