Suzanne Says

Question: I have worked on myself for many years to heal issues of abuse, starting in early childhood, followed by a sadistic pediatrician, unpleasant experiences in the seminary, a few bosses, etc. Anger is a problem that still rules me when I get triggered, especially by my wife. I want to get past the things that hurt me and live more rationally in my adult self. What can you suggest? William

Answer: William, as you know it takes as long as it takes to heal the painful consequences of our early emotional wounds and to repattern ourselves. I acknowledge you for all the work you have done and your wish to continue healing.

Whenever you feel anger coming up, consider going off by yourself for a few moments to write down what is triggering you. Try to put it into one sentence. In a second sentence write what your expectations or hidden desires are that are not being met. Then talk to yourself with your wiser, adult self and remind yourself of the many things of which you are already aware, such as, “I am safe and have options that I did not have as a dependent child,” “I use my anger to make positive changes in the way I communicate with my wife today,” “I feel my anger and ask it to speak to me about my core, guiding beliefs that need to be updated.” When your anger “talks” to you, listen.

Many times when we pause and use our rational mind we can see how we set ourselves up for a repeat of the past. For example, if you expect your wife to change what she is doing so you will not be angry, this is usually a set-up within yourself. In this scenario you do not take charge of your part in the equation. With a willing partner who wants to change her behavior and is willing to look within, positive changes can occur over time. However, we have no control over what another does, nor do we have control over whether or not something we do is a trigger in the another person. Eventually we have to take full responsibility to handle our own emotional triggers. What someone else does cannot make you angry unless that behavior matches up to one of your emotional triggers. William, only you can handle your anger. If you make a commitment to do your dance steps differently with your wife from today forward, then things will change.

Another technique that might be helpful is to write down every memory of hurt from your past. These maybe memories of hurt from your mother, your father, doctor, etc. When you feel each list is a good one, do the following meditation, allowing half an hour to an hour when you can be by yourself. You might choose to do a separate meditation for each person.

Meditation: Sit quietly, deep breathe, go to your place of peace, and see a rainbow bridge between you and your mother, it does not matter that she is deceased. See the two of you meeting halfway in the middle of the bridge, open and receptive to each other. Sit and talk to her and include giving her back each item that is on your list. Explain that you can no longer carry her emotional baggage, the results of her poor parenting, or be the linage carrier of family pain in the family system, express whatever comes out. See her taking them from you and placing them in a bag. Listen as she may also have some things to say to you. When finished, imagine psychic scissors and cut the psychic umbilical cord attached to her. See the end of your cord going down into the ground, into Mother Earth. Say good-bye to your mother, hug, shake hands, or bow to complete the meeting. Go back to your place of peace. Review what has taken place. If you are a journal writer, write about your insights, feelings, etc.

With these tools and your commitment to probe deeper within, you have the opportunity to use your anger for deeper healing. Remember to communicate with your wife too.