| Relationships
Denise O’Doherty LPC, LMFT,
CIRT,
RN
It is said that we teach people how to treat
us. If this is true, what then determines how we send signals
and messages about us that we want others to receive? We do this
through Personal Boundaries both verbal and non-verbal.
What are Boundaries? Boundaries define
limits. They define where each of us begins and ends and let
others know what is OK with us and what isn’t. Healthy
boundaries can be flexible, expandable, and sometimes
impenetrable due to the situation.
The purposes of Boundaries is to give us
protection, to help confine and contain us, to define who we
are, to help us maintain our sense of self and to help us make
safe in connection with others.
Sometimes our personality styles get in the
way of expressing a healthy boundary. For example, a passive
person who fears conflict or making others angry might not stand
up for his/her self therefore having a weak or invisible
boundary. This is a set up for disappointment since we can’t
expect others to read our minds. An aggressive person who
continually uses control, intimidation, manipulation and
hostility may be expressing a rigid boundary keeping others at a
distance. Like the passive person, this makes it difficult to
have a healthy assertive relationship based on both people
supporting the best interest of the other.
How are healthy Boundaries Established?
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By overcoming shame (long standing
feeling of not being worthy) and developing Self-Esteem
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By knowing and talking about our reality
and our feelings
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By identifying and confronting abuse,
things that hurt, scare, or shame us
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By saying "NO"! when we don’t
really want to do something
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By asking for what we want and need
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By listening to and believing our partner’s
responses to our stated wants and needs.
Here are some Boundary Setting Tips to keep
in mind when you have a need to stand up for yourself. When you
identify that you need to set a limit with someone, do it
clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as
possible. Anger will usually put someone else on the defensive.
In order for them to hear you, you need to have their attention.
Also remember that you cannot simultaneously set a boundary and
take care of another person’s feelings at the same time. Let
them hear you out and take a chance to see if they respect you
enough to listen to your reality. You know you need to set a
boundary if you find yourself dealing with constant anger, rage,
complaining and whining. These are clues to boundaries you need
to set.
The results of healthy boundaries are
unlimited. It will enhance communication and trust within your
relationships. It will increase your self-esteem and personal
confidence level. It increases the chance of attracting
healthier relationships and can make you feel more empowered and
more self controlled. Knowing how we feel and how to teach
others to treat us keeps us closer to getting what we want in
life while respecting others and ourself.
Denise O’Doherty LPC, LMFT,
CIRT,
RN
-Psychotherapist and
Registered Nurse
-In private practice in Houston for 22 years
-www.relationshiptherapistrn.com
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