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1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your
Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want
Fries
with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has
Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write ' For Smuggling
Diamonds', 'Sexual Favors', 'Bribe Payoff', 'Drug Purchase',
etc...
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The
Prophecy'.
8. dont use any punctuation in your emails ever
9 As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face, Order a
Diet Water.
11. When going through the Drive-through, specify That Your
Order Is 'To
Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. Ask, 'Why Don't Your Poems Rhyme?'
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical
Sounds
through your computer speakers All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend The
Party
They are throwing Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
Rock
Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'
A collector of rare books ran into an
acquaintance who told
him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a
dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-
or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million
dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything
close to that much," replied the man. "It was
scribbled all
over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed
that the bag
boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They
often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while
my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to
the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work,
discovered a
box that was left on the loading dock with this warning
printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay
clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety
glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside
were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
There was a knock at the door. It was a small
boy, about six
years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage,
he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base-
ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How
do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one
look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it
right through that hole!"
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