By Suzanne E. Harrill
Self-esteem is a term that gets bandied
around a lot these days, often a little too frivolously. The
downside is that self-esteem has become a cliché, an easy
label, and the subject of considerable derisive humor. The
upside is that almost everyone knows the meaning and
importance of self-esteem — that happiness,
self-empowerment, satisfaction in work, good relationships,
and success are all built on a foundation of healthy
self-esteem.
Inner Resources Gird Outer Confidence
High self-esteem is a quiet, comfortable
feeling of total acceptance and love for yourself — as you
are. It is respecting and valuing yourself as a worthwhile
human being, honestly seeing your good and not-so-good
qualities, and taking care of and nurturing yourself so you
can become all that you are capable of being. High self-esteem
is characterized by congruence between inner states (beliefs,
feelings, attitudes) and outer states (behavior,
relationships, health).
Signs of High Self-Esteem
Having an internal locus of control;
getting "okayness" from within, not from others.
Taking care of yourself — physically,
emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Maintaining a balance between extremes
of thought, feeling and behavior; when out-of-balance,
taking action to correct.
Learning from mistakes and being able
to say, "I made a mistake, I’m sorry."
Managing your life responsibly.
Honoring individual differences among
people.
Listening to other points of view.
Taking responsibility for your own
perceptions and reactions; not projecting onto others.
Having the ability to listen to your
wise inner self (your intuition), and to act on this
guidance.
Demonstrating self-respect,
self-confidence and self-acceptance.
Knowing your own strengths and
weaknesses.
Choosing continuous self-improvement
and taking positive risks.
Balancing being and doing.
Feeling warm and loving towards
yourself.
Giving and receiving love easily, with
no strings attached.
Extreme Views Shield Doubt and Insecurity
In twenty-eight years as a counselor,
I’ve repeatedly witnessed the emotional turmoil, spiritual
paralysis, and personal tragedy that can come from deep-seated
problems with self-esteem. People with low self-esteem present
themselves to the world in a variety of ways. I’ve learned
to recognize the signs. Among the most common are extremes in
thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Some people with low self-esteem are
overachievers who believe that a high IQ, physical beauty,
winning at sports, or being Number One assures emotional
well-being. They are often motivated by feelings of
inferiority that propel them to seek validation of worth
(their own and others) in outer manifestations, like money,
power, and praise. Others make a practice of devoting all of
their time and energy to family and friends and none to
themselves. Often they are "giving" for the wrong
reasons, with hidden agendas and expectations. Still others
believe that they can only earn love by doing something. They
evaluate their worthiness based on what they do, not on who
they are. Finally, many base their self-worth on the opinions
of other people or on outside indicators, like the swings of
the stock market.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem
Self-blame, self-criticism, or
constantly putting others down through guilt, blame, shame
or faultfinding.
Over- or under-achieving, eating,
working, doing, etc.
Playing the victim, rationalizing that
outside circumstances are the cause of your problems.
Not taking responsibility for your own
life, turning power over to another to make decisions for
you, then feeling victimized if the results are not to
your liking.
Taking undo responsibility for the
lives of others; dominating and making decisions for them.
Fear of change and reluctance to take
risks, or too much change, taking dangerous, unwise risks.
Constant negativity, or being so
optimistic that reality is denied.
Reacting to others with extreme emotion
or no emotion.
Boastful, overbearing behavior around
others, or inability to maintain integrity during
interactions.
Demanding to be "right,"
needing to have agreement or have your own way most of the
time, or constantly acquiescing to the will and opinions
of others.
Constantly comparing yourself to
others, and thereby feeling inferior or superior.
Black-white, either-or thinking, e.g.
believing that a person is either good or bad based on
rigid standards of good and bad behavior.
Having pervasive deep-seated feelings
of fear, terror, or panic.
Speaking with lots of shoulds, oughts,
could-haves, and yes-buts.
Interpreting the hurtful words or
actions of others as proof of your unworthiness.
Building Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is the foundation of your life.
If you do not like parts of your life, you have the power to
rebuild that foundation. Begin with your beliefs about
yourself. Update all that are false or that fail to support
your growth and highest good. Remember, you alone have the
power to change your inner world. As you gradually accept the
truth of these new beliefs, your feelings about yourself will
improve. This in turn will affect your actions,
accomplishments, and relationships and you will experience
more love, joy, abundance, and satisfaction in life.
You are like an acorn, that at each stage
of its growth cycle does its best to become a giant oak tree.
The acorn can only grow to the degree that it is nurtured by
sunlight, water, and nutrients from the soil. But even if its
early life is less than ideal, its growth will accelerate at
any time proper nutrients become available. You, too, have
done the best you can under the unique conditions that have
shaped your life thus far. With additional nurturing,
self-awareness and self-acceptance — just watch yourself
grow!
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